teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I have a black belt in leather
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?