I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything