Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.