[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
want me to check your oil?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?