morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
no such thing as a dumb question
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie