KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
The struggle is real
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Britain be like
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram