Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
What if the weather talks about us?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Happy thanksgiving!
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child