There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma