Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.