i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.