Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.