*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
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Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.