*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?