“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that