my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.