want me to check your oil?
You Might Also Like
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Go girl power!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
A tragic love story in two pictures.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Interior design 👌
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.