Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…