Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
found this cool rock hiking today
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address