AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot