This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.