TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
that’s really how it is
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.