I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*gets down on one knee*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.