Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too