Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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Day 2 of my diet
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Tell me you get it…🤣
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
The internet is full of many things
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Every work meeting this week
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.