the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”