[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers