BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.