me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.