*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: