*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.