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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?