Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.