Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
live, laugh, laundry.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*