thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Life with a cat in one tweet
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.