Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare