Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it