doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”