Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life