My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
You Might Also Like
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Perfect
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?