If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
The Sun
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip