My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Happy Halloween 🎃
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
This hospital has everything
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault