ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.