Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what