I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Those are good neighbors.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
The three genders.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me