Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant