I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
💯😂
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*