me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
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I think this should do it.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Mistakes were made
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.