one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
…żyje?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]