NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas