Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Lunatics are gonna loon.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Doctors texting each other.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.